I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize