after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
