i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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