YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
