new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
