dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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