Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wanna passion pit in your ass
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
