He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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