Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh god it's open bar.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
