if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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