I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
