im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
