I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
