So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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