Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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