I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
