nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Quick, to the slutcave!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i think i just lost a toe
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