why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
