i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
