I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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