You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
