Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize