Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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