im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
