Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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