Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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