My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
