this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
