Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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