Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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