You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
