if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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