Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
