god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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