I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
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we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
And then he peed in my hair
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