Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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