In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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