take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
