Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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