apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
