i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
