dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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