So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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