I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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