the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
