no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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