Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
