I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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