Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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