Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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