I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
