I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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