i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
