Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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