There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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