Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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