I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like a drive thru vagina
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize