I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
