This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
